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Thursday, March 31, 2011

Notes on Stupidity

STUPIDITY: AN EXPLORATION

You’re not stupid, said my Aunt Molly.

Of course not, why would I be?

Your mother always said you were stupid, but you’re not stupid at all. You’re very smart!

Don’t listen to what Jeanette said! Aunt Rhoda chimed in. Your mother was always ….um…different.

TRANSMISSION

Stupidity is not transmitted through saliva/
Stupidity is not transmitted through French kissing/
Strands of stupidity are present only in minute amounts/
Insufficient to label saliva as a dangerous fluid/

MORE NOTES ON STUPIDITY

Little Cassie has more brains in her pinky finger than you have in your entire body, said my mother.

“Little Cassie” was my youngest cousin and I wouldn’t have minded the insult as much if she wasn’t so dim-witted.

Furthermore, my mother persisted in calling her “Little Cassie” despite the fact that she developed a pear shape by the age of twelve and had three kids before she turned twenty.

Never mind all that, said my mother. She’s smarter than you’ll ever be.

FUN FACTS ABOUT TRANSMISSION

Semen contains insufficient strands of stupidity, but is loaded with obsessive/compulsive disorders!

Vaginal fluids carry zero stupidity but you may be justifiably wary of contraction of poor judgment and unexplainable jealous rages!

Sweat is loaded with stupidity, but must be diluted in a human growth hormone cocktail in order to be passed on!

Saliva will not transmit stupidity, although deep kissing may temporarily block neurons of brilliance, causing the recipient to assume many of the idiotic characteristics of the donor.

STUPIDITY AGAIN

I think you’re a little retarded, my mother said seriously, when I burnt my tongue on hot cocoa or misspelled a word.

I hid out in the library, reading books selected for me by the lesbian librarian, Miss Kaye, until we fell out because I desperately wanted to read Tropic of Cancer and she wouldn’t give me permission to borrow it from the adult section.

I smuggled the book out when she wasn’t looking and read it in the candy store.

Boys hung out in front, smoking cigarettes and punching one another.

Never returned to the library.

TRANSMISSION SUMMATION

It is imposible to transmit either pure stupidity or uncut brilliance through body fluids.

Genius is undetectable; however, when engaging in oral sex, the genius is often blinded by the stupid, leaving pockets of profound density, sometimes misdiagnosed as brain lesions.

Additional complications may include outbreaks of senselessness, similar to common skin rashes and allergic reactions. Bursts of creative genius mixed with Benadryl may relieve symptoms.

Prolonged, constant contact between the brilliant and the intensely stupid may cause permanent damage to both parties.

It is therefore recommended that the window be left open when the brilliant and the stupid exchange bodily fluids.

Or, better yet, the door.

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